I say “I” because it often starts with “I‘s.” For instance, “I did this…”,” I feel this…”, and the like… So onto interpersonal relationships and such. Being a motherless child there’s always a big void needing to be filled. You can’t help but wonder if things would be “different” with her around. It’s just like something in your brain that was never programmed. You wouldn’t know what a mother-daughter bond is like because that was never wired into your circuit. Or you were just too young too remember and the programming is kinda obsolete. Nevertheless, a mother’s influence has this “shaping” effect on her children. Not always but, you see how it might effect your day to day relationships with those around you.. You asks yourself if that plays a role.
More on the subject… In my personal experience as a female… same-sex friendships are intensely difficult. I grew up in a house full of men! (father and brothers.) So whenever the rare occasion comes up that I am surrounded by other female “friends.” There is a series of thoughts/questions that pop up in my head: “Is this what girls really talk about?” “Am I contributing enough into the conversation?” “They’re going to become best friends after this and I’m going to be left out.”
Now, super important message here… One of my reasons for starting this blog is so people can really break into the mind of what it is the be “a motherless child.” At least one perspective you can take into account will be presented here through me.
For those of you who ARE motherless children… you might empathize with some of the themes I have or will present.
For those of you who KNOW motherless children… you might be able to understand a little better what your friend, family member, etc. might be going through.
For those of you who HAVE motherless children… (Ex: single fathers with young daughters) You might get some insight as to what your daughter might experience.
DISCLAIMER: EVERYBODY’S EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT! Of course! You might think “Well yeah… that’s a given.” But I needed to say that.
There is still a lot I’ve yet to cover and not all the posts I put out will have to do with motherless child experiences but for the most part a lot of them will come back to the core subject.
We’ve covered a little bit about friendships now let’s delve more into the subject… Friendships with the opposite-sex are a little easier for me, HOWEVER, here are the series of thoughts/questions that go through my head when it comes to these:
“Wow this person is really cool and easy to get a long with .. I hope we could become good friends.. but wait… they don’t think I’m trying to get with them right?” , “I feel like this guy is my friend but wait… could they just be pretending to be my friend to impress their other guy friends?” “Am I really “one of the guys?””
Yeah, each side has it’s own very real difficulties. Deep down inside all you want is to have close friends… but you might feel like there’s just SOMETHING you’re missing. You can’t quite put your finger on it. You see how other people with what you deem as “normal” upbringings make friends so easily and you just fall short.
And to put it in short, (see what I did there?) Lately the 2 people that I talk to the most recently are both motherless/fatherless children… the irony. So.. maybe our minds do work a little bit differently?
Maybe I should go into what these friendships are like and why I value them so you can get an idea as to what I am attracted to in a friendship…
Friend number 1: Is a girl. Big surprise there. Here are the things I admire about her:
She is the same person around everyone. She does not blend with the surroundings based on where she is. She is not afraid to try to new things such as new foods, places she’s never been. She is a “go-getter” as they put it. She doesn’t stay down for long and while I can go on and on about my wonderful friend most importantly… SHE VALUES FRIENDSHIPS. This is so important to me because of the very hypocritical statement that I am about to make…
We live in a society where we often see a public display of superficial relationships and people who care way too much about their life, comfort, whatever to stay in touch and see how their so called “friends” are doing. Time and time again situations where friendships just “fade away” over time can be observed. Yes. We get busy. Other times you might find yourself putting in too much effort and see no reciprocity. So, let’s face it. What’s the point anymore? Maybe you had a disagreement, someone said something you didn’t like and you were like “Well screw you… I don’t need you anyway.” (in your mind you say that subconsciously and then walk away and never come back.) And DING! DING! DING! DING! THAT is where I fall most of the time… So I am not pointing fingers at anyone because if I did the three pointing back would be sooo well deserved.
Yes, I’ll admit it. I am THAT kind of person. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news… it appears we have yet another “I“!!!! In my experience, when I have a failed friendship the first thing I do is look at the matter introspectively. What did I do? What is it about me that made this person say/do such a terrible thing about me? It’s a natural reaction.
And sometimes I fall into a very dark place… …where I think about “how I am broken, how I am defective, and how I am different because I didn’t have a typical upbringing, how my unaffectionate and aloof character repels people from me.”
So how do we cycle back around to aforementioned sentiment of “Well screw you… I don’t need you anyway?” Well well well like I just said, it is a cycle..a little twirl, a little dance that goes something like this… think of it as a little cartoony caveman comic:
“I like friend”
“Friend like me?”
“WE FRIENDS!”
*friend does something hurtful*
“WHY friend do that?”
“Friend bad. I don’t need friend.”
🙂
The cycle often repeats.. that might be one way of putting it but when we look at it more intricately, there’s a lot we’re not examining.
It’s kinda like buying a sick plant. Why would I buy a sick plant if I know the plant is just going to die? Buy plant = Lose plant.
Aha! So now why would I make this friend if I’m just going to lose this friend?
I mean, it might not be the healthiest way of looking at it… but when we take all this mumble jumble wrap it up and put it as one pretty little word… it’s LOSS. When it comes to interpersonal relationships… motherless children don’t like to deal with loss.
So if you’re flimsy from the get-go…
Or if you bring us a lot of joy…
By now we’ve learned that you can’t MAKE people stay in your life… At first we might seem like we try too hard… because the inner feeling of “things just slip through my fingers” might make us want to prove it wrong. However, once we’ve grasped the concept wholeheartedly we might seem aloof or distant.
Here are some approaches I take to different kind of people (which occasionally backfire on me, of course) –
If I deem you flimsy… then what’s the point? Why make the effort? Why lose the time? Gonna lose you anyway.
And if you bring me joy… Give them their space… Don’t want to be overbearing. Don’t want to lose them.
Think about that. Cause yeah… it’s confusing as hell. But that is why at least in my experience some of my interpersonal relationships, involvements with other people are difficult and why my friendships require a lot of reassurance that my involvement is being valued.
In Part II of this topic (whenever that’ll be) I’ll be discussing some of the themes I have presented here in addition to what my friendship is like with friend #2: a guy, attention moderation, affection, emotional relationships, and more.
Best Regards,
Your Neighborhood Motherless Child
P.S
This has been sitting in my drafts folder forever.
A Cup of Tea with a Motherless Child 