The Darkness Within…

My brothers sometimes criticize me because I have really dark jokes.. Jokes that play on the border of life and death.

A friend once told me… “She likes her humor as dark as her beer.” He was referring to me of course.

I see the world how cold it is and I think to myself “I don’t want to be like that.”

But at the same time… Sometimes I think maybe I just shouldn’t fight it.

Maybe the world is preparing me for something.

I don’t like taking medications…

I feel like they rob me from myself.

The pain sometimes is necessary.. along with the grief or therefore lack of..

In numbness sometimes I do my best thinking:

How I could change the world, how I am different, how “I will not let the world break me.”

Repeat: I will not let the world break me.

There’s one thing that Ernest Hemingway said that we will never completely see eye to eye on.

For he once quoted:

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

I will die. This is true. Time will kill me as it kills everyone else. I once read that time is a disease that slowly kills everyone to which there is no cure for.

But I digress…

The coldness, the darkness, the pain, the grief or lack thereof.. will never rob me of the kindness, the humility, and compassion that I hold for other people.

Sometimes when people joke and say to me “this is all your fault.” I look at them, I smile and say “Sure, I’ll be your scapegoat.” Go ahead..

Blame me, put the weight on me, shame me for sometimes trying “too hard” as some put it or for being “too nice.”

Repeat: I will not let the world break me.

I will continue to be kind. I will continue to try to be the person that’s there for you when others merely judge. But in doing so… Sometimes I need the numbness.

Sometimes I need the numbness to block the judgement of other people while I am helping you in your time of need.

Sometimes I need the numbness to shed the skin of vulnerability..

I am no philosopher…

I can’t come up with a new way of thinking.

But I can block yours.

For those moments when I am carrying you on my back and you say “You didn’t really have to do that..”

and I’ll look at you and say “It’s only right that I did.”

I am not always right but… the thought that comes with being right doesn’t always provoke me.. sometimes it’s the mere thought that comes from being wrong or after being wronged. Sometimes the numbness lies in that.

Sometimes I push myself to a level where I am wrong so I can write.

An unscrupulous method perhaps…

But how would I ever evolve if I was always right?

There’s a certain numbness that comes when things come too easily.

I don’t identify with that.

I don’t think I ever will…

It’s in the darkness that our ideas come to light.

And if that’s the case… I don’t ever want to be right.

Faults change the world… the unbeaten path… the road less traveled, could be the birthplace, the location, the home, the habitat, of the next wondrous marvel.

But you need to get fed up first…

with your feelings, yourself, your insecurities, vulnerabilities, apprehension, tension, discomfort,

shit.. even with grammar sometimes so you can think freely, express yourself outside of the walls, outside of the parameters of your own mind or the ones placed there for you by others.

 

think freely just flow…. just go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go and go.

No one is there to stop you.

Just embrace the numbness.

Let go and Let it flow.

 

 

– Your Neighborhood Motherless Child

 

P.S   This was a very relaxing post for muah…

Also, no. I am not high.