Potential

Unfiltered thoughts go!

For a while now… since this thing started… you & I, me & you… you know what I mean…. I’ve been feeling these “feelings.” And well I haven’t really had the time to really sit down and figure out what those feelings really were… what they were composed of… It’s like they’ve been accumulating behind this wall and that wall would prevent me from tapping into them. It’s been a frustrating process because I’ve been feeling emotionally blocked. In part, it may be due to the fact that I’ve been so busy, undergoing a lot of change, under stress – falling behind in school and having my family present has also been an adjustment. At least that’s why I thought the blockage was there. …But after taking some time to myself… and I’ve been adjusting to my family’s presence.. working on catching up with school… and having very minimal conversation with others in an attempt to tap into what I’ve been feeling… I’ve made a realization.

That wall…. Has been an internal mechanism that I myself have built to protect me. Protect me from what? Protect me from the fact that I always want to see the good in people and sometimes that blinds me from seeing a situation.. or a person for what it really is or for who they really are. I blind myself from all the things that deep down inside I know I truly want… I know I truly seek… “What is it that you truly want?” is something that my coworker asked me the other day. It really put this thought train into motion… I want someone that makes me feel protected. I want someone that knows how to take care of themselves without me having to be consistently nagging them. Everyone needs a push every now and then this is true… even me. But I’ve always pushed myself.. so I know that it’s possible for the person that I want to be with to do the same. Deep inside I don’t think that I’m asking for too much…. I want someone that understands me. That understands how to talk to me when I’m feeling down and doesn’t say things that make me feel like my feelings are being invalidated…. I want someone that’s not vulgar and has a clean presence… even online. That thinks twice about the things they post for everyone to see before they post them. I want someone that if we don’t talk for a week. … they spend that time – taking care of themselves!!! That when we do talk again they tell me about all the productive and good things they have done to make themselves better to progress in their health or wisdom. I know that everyone goes through rough periods in their life. Even I myself have been undergoing one… But that doesn’t mean that we can’t consistently strive to be better… to do better and treat others better. I know that my disillusion is a result of my own expectations. But dammit… This is what I want! In the end… I get to choose who I want to be with and what I allow in my life. I want someone that if we’re talking about something sensitive they won’t just leave me because a friend calls. That is what I want. I want someone that doesn’t project their insecurities unto me. I’ve worked really hard to shake off my own for someone to put theirs on me. I want someone that doesn’t victimize themselves. If you “hate” yourself. Then DO something to change that. I’ve never liked when people make excuses for themselves…. Then why am I allowing so much of it now? Why? Because I always want to see the good in people… because I always want to help… even when I’m the one that needs help sometimes. Even when that time should be mine…I want to give it to another even though I know that I need it … it’s difficult for me to take it cause I know what its like to desperately want the help but not know how to ask for it… or get it… or even know where to get it. I’ve been there… But I need to remind myself…. I PUT IN THE WORK!! I’ve built up myself internally to be able to see and take notice of the things that I see now….. to analyze certain situations that might not be healthy… to see things that I might not be handling well… and deal differently…cope differently… protect myself differently.. communicate differently… I’ve grown so much… and I’m still growing.. but it was me… I decided to put in the work. AND THAT IS WHAT I NEED TO REMIND MYSELF OF!! Other people need to WANT TO PUT IN THE WORK THEMSELVES. ….. I can not save everyone. I constantly have this desire to surround myself with people that are “on my level” but I forget… that people need to WANT to be on that level…. I can’t make them… I can’t drag them up. They need to want it. They need to envision it and take steps to get there. The same way I’ve been taking steps. People need to SHOW you that they are working hard to level up… You can’t just imagine it … You can’t just make excuses for people that make excuses for themselves.

Moreover… unto what this post was actually suppose to be about…

You… I’ve been falling in love with your potential. There I said it…. Because you have so so so much of it. I see the beauty of what you truly can be… But I’m not falling in love with you. You are not ready to be with a person like me. It is evident. And that doesn’t mean that you will always be “not ready” Who knows? But during this time that we’ve been talking… you haven’t really shown me that you truly want to do better. And I know that it’s because you don’t love yourself. I know how these things work and you truly can’t love another person how they deserved to be loved until you learn to love yourself. I know this …not just because I’ve seen it happen with other people but because I’ve experienced this myself. You are vulnerable right now and you need to be there for yourself that’s why you get so defensive. It takes growth to take constructive criticism and not get defensive. But I can’t make you see that. No one else can make you see that. Only YOU can make yourself see that. It saddens me because I know what its like to be there… and if it were as easy as just pulling you up to safe ground… I would, but unfortunately life doesn’t work like that…. And we each have to pull ourselves up. I hope that one day you can come to be the man that I envision you to be.

When I talk to you… I tell you about things that I’ve been working on to improve… my relationship with my family… my schoolwork… my home… myself….. but when you talk to me you just talk to me about letting yourself fall by the wayside… and smoking and drinking all night….and how now you feel crappy… I’m sorry but that’s just not what I want.

Sincerely,

Your Neighborhood Motherless Child

(This is me deciphering my feelings.)